Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
