Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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