im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
