last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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