I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
