your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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