I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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