Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Randomize
