Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
