The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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