went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
