Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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