Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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