i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
