Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
