Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
