Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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