Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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