oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
