I wanna passion pit in your ass
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
