Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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