between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
