just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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