the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
