Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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