I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
