It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize