Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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