we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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