it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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