I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
