how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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