you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
