I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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