i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
