Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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