Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
