We're facebook friends in real life
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
