Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
