Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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