the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This baby is an asshole
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
