Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
