you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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