Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
