he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
