Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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