I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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