okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize