brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
