I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just had sex on a roof
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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