Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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