why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
and she was petting her beer can
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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