Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize