my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
