don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We talked him into tasing himself.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize