Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
