At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
