just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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