I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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