When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
