its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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