My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The ass gains better be worth it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
