Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Blood and glitter go together right?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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