wanna go halves on a baby?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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