Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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