let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
